Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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