I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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