i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
