"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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