My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
