So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
