Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
