Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
