Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
