why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
