i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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