in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
