i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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