Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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