a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
