i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
