i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
