I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
