Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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