yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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