Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
