Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
