he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
