She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
