Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
