Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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