i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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