dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
