my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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