I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
