i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just want nice things and good sex
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
