You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
