then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
