Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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