is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
