I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
