I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
