can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
