im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Randomize
