I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
