90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
