I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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