Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
