I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
