i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
