a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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