i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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