He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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