i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
