guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
