I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
