so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
