hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
