Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
It's Friday. Sex?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
