im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
