when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
