I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
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