I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
